8 Years ago...

This morning I cried a tear over you.

I was shocked.

And felt like a terrible mother.

For the first time in 8 years, when I first woke up I had not remembered the day of your birth.

I mean, I KNEW today was your birthday (all week I was thinking about it) - but when I first woke up, you didn't immediately enter my mind (until I looked at the calendar).

I felt somewhat ashamed that I had 'forgotten'.

 

Each year brings forth different feelings and emotions and it seems to get somewhat easier. Possibly because I am gaining more experience?

Needless to say, I still had a good little cry.

Bottom line is life is good but I will NEVER stop missing and remembering you!

Happy Birthday sweet angel baby!

xox

Mom

PS... see you in heaven someday!

Seven years ago....TODAY

In the middle of the night, we got the call that we feared receiving.  Joshua was not well and we had to get to the hospital immediately.When we got to the hospital, our poor Joshua was not doing well.

It was the day we had to say goodbye to our baby boy.  A horrible day that is etched in my memory for my life.  I relive those last moments (still) almost daily thinking of all the things I should have said or done, knowing that I did the best I knew how and accepting that I did what I was supposed to do (because when it comes down to it:  there is no 'right or wrong').

Saying goodbye was the first step, then we had to inform our family & friends - such a hard time to call my dad's house, considering it was my little brother's birthday.  Once that was done, we had to plan for Joshua's funeral....another very hard time.

All the hard things we had to go through, have contributed to mould us into the people and the couple we are today.....for THIIS, I am thankful.  I have my little angle to thank for this.

It's been a long road (and continues to be a "road") from here until now, but we are here.

Just like what I declared in THIS POST, I said "I'm going to let the feelings flow and do what I did 7 years ago: put one foot in front of the the other and feel what I feel. I know it will pass."  It DID.  I'm okay.  I have smiled.  I have laughed.  I have felt joy. I have felt sorrow.

Today is no different, I think about what happened 7 years ago today and I KNOW I (of course) feel sad, but I am okay.

Bye, bye baby Josh!  Rest in Pease baby! 

Joshua's Birthday

WOW I have to say this year hit me really different....it was hard and has been hard, for both Jacques and for me!

You know, so much time passes and I had thought that it was getting easier then poof, this year it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

Possibly because in 2008 we were moving into our house on June 3, or in 2009 Isabelle had just moved in with us (only a few weeks prior)....maybe we were really busy then so we 'surpressed' the feelings.  I don't know.

But on the eve of his birthday, I felt so sad and drained.  I have always allowed myself to 'feel what I need to feel' then move forward, so this year on the eve of Joshua's 7th birthday it was no different.

When I got up to go to work (and might I add that I only have 14.5 days left), I felt okay.  But as soon as Noah asked me 'Mom, how tall would Joshua have been now?', while moving his hand between his shoulder and chest, I LOST it.  I ccompletely and utterly fell into a big ole ugly cry and couldn't contain myself.  So I stayed home and didn't go to work.

I wanted the day to feel what I was feeling and cry when I felt like crying...and that was that.  I wasn't going to deny myself that.   Jacques and I planned a date night, to spend some time alone to remember our little angel.  We got some Chinese food then went to bible study together.  It was nice...but by the end of the day I was completely drained emotionally.

As for today, I am completely drained again.  So I declare tonight, "NO cook (grilled cheese and canned soup) night" and "Movie night"....just some relax time with my family.

And that's exactly what we're gonna do!

Seven years ago....

...marks the eve of the day of Joshua's birth (his birthday). Most would be celebrating their child's birth, but each year we mark the number of years since his dramatic entry into the world, then only 17 days later we remember the loss of our 2nd child.  This year is number SEVEN.

As time goes by, the overwhelming feelings of emptiness get so much less intense but the one thing I have learned is that that feeling NEVER goes away and you just learn to live with it.  There are moments where it feels like it was just yesterday that I held my new baby for the first time.  There are moments when I get mad.  There are moments that I get sad, especially around this time of year.

This year, it feels a little unexpectedly harder than the past few years.  I wonder if this is directly related to the fact that in 2008 we had just moved into our house in Grand Falls (after being apart for 9 months) then in 2009, Isabelle had just moved in 2 weeks prior to that.  Both times, life was feeling somewhat overwhelming.  So is it 'catch up', or what?

Not sure, but I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight, remembering, crying, moping and feeling sad.  I'm going to let the feelings flow and do what I did 7 years ago:  put one foot in front of the the other and feel what I feel.  I know it will pass.

It's been a few years since I worked on a scrapbook page for my little angel, but tonight it felt right and it calmed this mommas anxious heart!

Happy Birthday baby boy!

To view more of Joshua's memorial scrapbook album:  CLICK HERE

Happy Birthday, Joshua

It's hard to believe that Joshua would have been 6 years old today.

• SIX years.

I just can't believe that 6 years ago today, we gave birth to our VERY premature (16 weeks early) baby boy.

So much has changed in SIX years but one thing remains the same. Not a day goes by when I don't think of Joshua SEVERAL times a day. He IS my son, my boy and I am certain my thoughts will always be divided between all of my children!

This year, we are doubly blessed to have welcomed Isabelle into our family (forever) only a few weeks ago. So this year, she got to celebrate with us (and that she did).

Last night, Isabelle made Joshua 3 'Happy 6th Birthday' signs and today she was very inquisitive. These questions were followed by a beautiful note (& her broken off and dyed rose that I had bought her before she moved in here) TO Joshua. It was BEAUTIFUL.

Over the next couple of weeks, we will honour Joshua's life by burning 'his' candle (for the next 17 days) to represent the life that he lived!!

So for today my sweet, sweet angel....Happy Birthday!

Mommy will ALWAYS love you!

Things happen for reasons, right?

Okay - so we got a new house (a cute little house that requires some Renovations) AND we got a fast closing of June 2 (so Noah will have a few weeks at his new school to meet some friends and familiarize himself with his new surrounds - HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!!

When I contacted the moving company last night, I advised we'd be moving on June 2 - but he asked to do it on June 3 (in the event something delays the closing so his staff wouldn't be sitting around on June 2 waiting to move stuff in). Makes sense, right?

But it was just this morning that it all HIT me.....June 3 is Joshua's birthday. Okay, so then I asked myself is this coincidence or the work of God & baby Josh's work? TELL ME, is this irony or a little present to our family? I think, feel and believe that God has a wonderful way of getting the message across AND I think, feel and believe that my dear Joshua has a wonderful way of ALWAYS letting me know he is right here with me despite being in Heaven.

I thank God EVERY day for the 17 days we had with our baby boy and the strength he gave me as well as the strength God continues to give me. I'm just so happy I could cry!!

I realize that our lives are going to get pretty busy over the next several weeks and I may not get the chance to properly honour our little boy on the day of your birth (the way we usually do). Consider this post, our honour to you, baby boy! We remember the 17 short days you lived as though it was just yesterday. We miss you every day and can't believe it's been 5 years since you were born. One day we will be together again but for now, thank you for watching over us and letting us know you are there. Have fun in Heaven my sweet baby - Mommy will never stop loving you!