In the middle of the night, we got the call that we feared receiving. Joshua was not well and we had to get to the hospital immediately.When we got to the hospital, our poor Joshua was not doing well.
It was the day we had to say goodbye to our baby boy. A horrible day that is etched in my memory for my life. I relive those last moments (still) almost daily thinking of all the things I should have said or done, knowing that I did the best I knew how and accepting that I did what I was supposed to do (because when it comes down to it: there is no 'right or wrong').
Saying goodbye was the first step, then we had to inform our family & friends - such a hard time to call my dad's house, considering it was my little brother's birthday. Once that was done, we had to plan for Joshua's funeral....another very hard time.
All the hard things we had to go through, have contributed to mould us into the people and the couple we are today.....for THIIS, I am thankful. I have my little angle to thank for this.
It's been a long road (and continues to be a "road") from here until now, but we are here.
Just like what I declared in THIS POST, I said "I'm going to let the feelings flow and do what I did 7 years ago: put one foot in front of the the other and feel what I feel. I know it will pass." It DID. I'm okay. I have smiled. I have laughed. I have felt joy. I have felt sorrow.
Today is no different, I think about what happened 7 years ago today and I KNOW I (of course) feel sad, but I am okay.
Bye, bye baby Josh! Rest in Pease baby!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
My little man...my boy!
Noah is such a great kid. I have so much fun with him, he's like a little adult. He does so much for us around the house - with little to no complaining. I'm not sure what the normal is, but from what I hear and see from his friends - Noah does more than the average.
This summer, my goal is to teach him how to help me with much more around the house. Being home next year to home school will certainly (from what I've heard) make a bigger mess of our house - so he will have to be a part of helping to clean while Jacques is at work so we can have our family time!
Some of the things I want to teach him this summer are: sorting laundry, using the washer and dryer, folding clothes and cooking.
Some of the things I want to have him do more of is being responsible for cleaning the basement bathroom, helping with vacuuming and washing the floors. He's done these things before, but while I was working we had a cleaning lady (can we say SPOILED - I know!)
He's had a rough year and this is all changing now. With our decision to home school, we have made some disciplinary changes. He's responding well to these changes. It just goes to show me how 'teachable' children are - but you have to be willing to do YOUR part in the consistency side of things. It's not always easy, but I'm seeing the fruits of our labour in just a few weeks.
Some things that make his day:
He's had trouble in school this year. His grades had dropped. It's been a rough year going from an only child to the youngest child and back to an only child. I'm sure this is the trigger of much of his issues and I'm happy to report that he well on the mend. I'm excited to see his final report card from school. From what I could see in his school work, I think that his grades have gone up!
Some of his favourite shows are on Nickelodeon - sponge bob, star wars and his newest is Chaotic. We all love our TV just a bit too much over the winter so I am happy that summer is here and we are outside much more. Next is I can't wait to get the pool up & running.
We've been talking these days about the possibility of having a baby (by adoption). And like every other decision for our family, we include Noah in this as well. So we are ONLY in the exploring stages (don't get too excited yet). So when we talk about what life would be like with a baby - I can see this 'giddy' look in his eyes and he gets a little grin. That said, he is absolutely certain that he WANTS to remain the oldest child in this family (and I don't blame him). So, one day we got chatting and my little 'chatter box' starting talking about his 'list of demands' if we were ever to adopt a baby...man, did I ever listen closely!
They were:
These days (like always), I feel like the days are slipping by so fast. I feel like I miss so much from his little world even though I am so lucky to be able to stay home with him full time. Sometimes I forget the little details that make up his cuteness and I want to remember. He's got some of the most endearing qualities any little boy could have. He is such a caring & compassionate kid. My boy has been punched in the face and hit in the head, just for sticking up for someone. How much more committed can you be than that. Though I don't like what has happened, I DO love that he still continues to do what is right, rather than conforming. How proud can a momma be to hear this?
Noah, if you EVER read this KNOW without a doubt just how proud you continue to make Mommy & Daddy! Keep doing what is right and God will reward you. You ARE my little brat baby and I love you so much!!!
This summer, my goal is to teach him how to help me with much more around the house. Being home next year to home school will certainly (from what I've heard) make a bigger mess of our house - so he will have to be a part of helping to clean while Jacques is at work so we can have our family time!
Some of the things I want to teach him this summer are: sorting laundry, using the washer and dryer, folding clothes and cooking.
Some of the things I want to have him do more of is being responsible for cleaning the basement bathroom, helping with vacuuming and washing the floors. He's done these things before, but while I was working we had a cleaning lady (can we say SPOILED - I know!)
He's had a rough year and this is all changing now. With our decision to home school, we have made some disciplinary changes. He's responding well to these changes. It just goes to show me how 'teachable' children are - but you have to be willing to do YOUR part in the consistency side of things. It's not always easy, but I'm seeing the fruits of our labour in just a few weeks.
Some things that make his day:
- playing the old Xbox (that we thought was broken but managed to fix again)
- practicing the acoustic guitar - he's been in lessons for 2-3 months
- reading the series 'Diary's of a Wimpy Kid'
- doodling on anything he can find
- LEGO - a month ago, he wouldn't put it down - this has passed a little but still loves his box of Lego he got for his birthday from Orlando
- most recently, reading the series 'Geronimo Stilton' - books
He's had trouble in school this year. His grades had dropped. It's been a rough year going from an only child to the youngest child and back to an only child. I'm sure this is the trigger of much of his issues and I'm happy to report that he well on the mend. I'm excited to see his final report card from school. From what I could see in his school work, I think that his grades have gone up!
Some of his favourite shows are on Nickelodeon - sponge bob, star wars and his newest is Chaotic. We all love our TV just a bit too much over the winter so I am happy that summer is here and we are outside much more. Next is I can't wait to get the pool up & running.
We've been talking these days about the possibility of having a baby (by adoption). And like every other decision for our family, we include Noah in this as well. So we are ONLY in the exploring stages (don't get too excited yet). So when we talk about what life would be like with a baby - I can see this 'giddy' look in his eyes and he gets a little grin. That said, he is absolutely certain that he WANTS to remain the oldest child in this family (and I don't blame him). So, one day we got chatting and my little 'chatter box' starting talking about his 'list of demands' if we were ever to adopt a baby...man, did I ever listen closely!
They were:
- the baby would HAVE to stay out of HIS room.
- the baby would HAVE to pick their toys up - not like the cat and dog that leave their toys all over the place.
- he would NOT change ANY diapers - but he would rock the baby if they were sad!!!
These days (like always), I feel like the days are slipping by so fast. I feel like I miss so much from his little world even though I am so lucky to be able to stay home with him full time. Sometimes I forget the little details that make up his cuteness and I want to remember. He's got some of the most endearing qualities any little boy could have. He is such a caring & compassionate kid. My boy has been punched in the face and hit in the head, just for sticking up for someone. How much more committed can you be than that. Though I don't like what has happened, I DO love that he still continues to do what is right, rather than conforming. How proud can a momma be to hear this?
Noah, if you EVER read this KNOW without a doubt just how proud you continue to make Mommy & Daddy! Keep doing what is right and God will reward you. You ARE my little brat baby and I love you so much!!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Joshua's Birthday
WOW I have to say this year hit me really different....it was hard and has been hard, for both Jacques and for me!
You know, so much time passes and I had thought that it was getting easier then poof, this year it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Possibly because in 2008 we were moving into our house on June 3, or in 2009 Isabelle had just moved in with us (only a few weeks prior)....maybe we were really busy then so we 'surpressed' the feelings. I don't know.
But on the eve of his birthday, I felt so sad and drained. I have always allowed myself to 'feel what I need to feel' then move forward, so this year on the eve of Joshua's 7th birthday it was no different.
When I got up to go to work (and might I add that I only have 14.5 days left), I felt okay. But as soon as Noah asked me 'Mom, how tall would Joshua have been now?', while moving his hand between his shoulder and chest, I LOST it. I ccompletely and utterly fell into a big ole ugly cry and couldn't contain myself. So I stayed home and didn't go to work.
I wanted the day to feel what I was feeling and cry when I felt like crying...and that was that. I wasn't going to deny myself that. Jacques and I planned a date night, to spend some time alone to remember our little angel. We got some Chinese food then went to bible study together. It was nice...but by the end of the day I was completely drained emotionally.
As for today, I am completely drained again. So I declare tonight, "NO cook (grilled cheese and canned soup) night" and "Movie night"....just some relax time with my family.
And that's exactly what we're gonna do!
You know, so much time passes and I had thought that it was getting easier then poof, this year it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Possibly because in 2008 we were moving into our house on June 3, or in 2009 Isabelle had just moved in with us (only a few weeks prior)....maybe we were really busy then so we 'surpressed' the feelings. I don't know.
But on the eve of his birthday, I felt so sad and drained. I have always allowed myself to 'feel what I need to feel' then move forward, so this year on the eve of Joshua's 7th birthday it was no different.
When I got up to go to work (and might I add that I only have 14.5 days left), I felt okay. But as soon as Noah asked me 'Mom, how tall would Joshua have been now?', while moving his hand between his shoulder and chest, I LOST it. I ccompletely and utterly fell into a big ole ugly cry and couldn't contain myself. So I stayed home and didn't go to work.
I wanted the day to feel what I was feeling and cry when I felt like crying...and that was that. I wasn't going to deny myself that. Jacques and I planned a date night, to spend some time alone to remember our little angel. We got some Chinese food then went to bible study together. It was nice...but by the end of the day I was completely drained emotionally.
As for today, I am completely drained again. So I declare tonight, "NO cook (grilled cheese and canned soup) night" and "Movie night"....just some relax time with my family.
And that's exactly what we're gonna do!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Seven years ago....
...marks the eve of the day of Joshua's birth (his birthday). Most would be celebrating their child's birth, but each year we mark the number of years since his dramatic entry into the world, then only 17 days later we remember the loss of our 2nd child. This year is number SEVEN.
As time goes by, the overwhelming feelings of emptiness get so much less intense but the one thing I have learned is that that feeling NEVER goes away and you just learn to live with it. There are moments where it feels like it was just yesterday that I held my new baby for the first time. There are moments when I get mad. There are moments that I get sad, especially around this time of year.
This year, it feels a little unexpectedly harder than the past few years. I wonder if this is directly related to the fact that in 2008 we had just moved into our house in Grand Falls (after being apart for 9 months) then in 2009, Isabelle had just moved in 2 weeks prior to that. Both times, life was feeling somewhat overwhelming. So is it 'catch up', or what?
Not sure, but I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight, remembering, crying, moping and feeling sad. I'm going to let the feelings flow and do what I did 7 years ago: put one foot in front of the the other and feel what I feel. I know it will pass.
It's been a few years since I worked on a scrapbook page for my little angel, but tonight it felt right and it calmed this mommas anxious heart!
Happy Birthday baby boy!
To view more of Joshua's memorial scrapbook album: CLICK HERE
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Homeschool Conference 2010
This past weekend (May 28-29), we went to the annual home school conference in Sussex NB, hosted by the HENB (Home Educators of New Brunswick).
I'm not really sure how to describe the weekend. Bottom line was it was amazing. We picked out (and got) all of our curriculum (Language Arts: spelling, reading/comprehension, grammar & writing, Math, Science, Geography & History) to start in September, we learned ALOT and met some new friends (too bad they live in Moncton - or maybe at least they live somewhere that we would visit!).
If I had to summarize the weekend, let's just say that the original reason we decided to home educate have already changed. PLUS, after this conference WE are even MORE committed to home educating. What we realized that we failed to realize that home education is NOT just about academic growth, but also about character building, spiritual growth as well as building life skills. We (or maybe just I) feel SO close as a family now entering into a new adventure and all being so excited about it too....TOGETHER!
So our subjects we are doing for Grade 4 are as follows:
We would like to continue his French through Rosetta Stone - the most highly recommended but it is SO expensive for us right now. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE WE COULD GET THE FRENCH ROSETTA STONE 2nd HAND/USED? Please let us know if you may know.
We are all very excited to get TO the summer and for a change, Noah is extremely excited to start school in the fall! Hope this continues! Until then, I have a a lot of work ahead of me to prepare for the summer - but I too am VERY excited to get going in the preparation!
I'm not really sure how to describe the weekend. Bottom line was it was amazing. We picked out (and got) all of our curriculum (Language Arts: spelling, reading/comprehension, grammar & writing, Math, Science, Geography & History) to start in September, we learned ALOT and met some new friends (too bad they live in Moncton - or maybe at least they live somewhere that we would visit!).
If I had to summarize the weekend, let's just say that the original reason we decided to home educate have already changed. PLUS, after this conference WE are even MORE committed to home educating. What we realized that we failed to realize that home education is NOT just about academic growth, but also about character building, spiritual growth as well as building life skills. We (or maybe just I) feel SO close as a family now entering into a new adventure and all being so excited about it too....TOGETHER!
So our subjects we are doing for Grade 4 are as follows:
- Math - Saxon 54 (click here to go to link)
- Science - Considering Gods Creation (click here to go to link)
- History - My First History of Canada (click here to go to link)
- Geography - Let's Explore Canada (click here to go to link)
- Language Arts - Growing with Grammar (click here to go to link)
- Language Arts - Reading Detective (click here to go to link)
- Language Arts - Spelling Workout (click here to go to link)
- Language Arts - Reading - Pathway Readers: Building our Lives (click here to go to link)
We would like to continue his French through Rosetta Stone - the most highly recommended but it is SO expensive for us right now. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE WE COULD GET THE FRENCH ROSETTA STONE 2nd HAND/USED? Please let us know if you may know.
We are all very excited to get TO the summer and for a change, Noah is extremely excited to start school in the fall! Hope this continues! Until then, I have a a lot of work ahead of me to prepare for the summer - but I too am VERY excited to get going in the preparation!
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