Joshua's Birthday

WOW I have to say this year hit me really different....it was hard and has been hard, for both Jacques and for me!

You know, so much time passes and I had thought that it was getting easier then poof, this year it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

Possibly because in 2008 we were moving into our house on June 3, or in 2009 Isabelle had just moved in with us (only a few weeks prior)....maybe we were really busy then so we 'surpressed' the feelings.  I don't know.

But on the eve of his birthday, I felt so sad and drained.  I have always allowed myself to 'feel what I need to feel' then move forward, so this year on the eve of Joshua's 7th birthday it was no different.

When I got up to go to work (and might I add that I only have 14.5 days left), I felt okay.  But as soon as Noah asked me 'Mom, how tall would Joshua have been now?', while moving his hand between his shoulder and chest, I LOST it.  I ccompletely and utterly fell into a big ole ugly cry and couldn't contain myself.  So I stayed home and didn't go to work.

I wanted the day to feel what I was feeling and cry when I felt like crying...and that was that.  I wasn't going to deny myself that.   Jacques and I planned a date night, to spend some time alone to remember our little angel.  We got some Chinese food then went to bible study together.  It was nice...but by the end of the day I was completely drained emotionally.

As for today, I am completely drained again.  So I declare tonight, "NO cook (grilled cheese and canned soup) night" and "Movie night"....just some relax time with my family.

And that's exactly what we're gonna do!